I often find it funny the things I choose to blog about. Today for instance, I have a few topics that I have been dying to address but yet the only thing to I really want to write about it what you are about to read. Maybe I choose this because I sort of use my blog as my personal journal. Maybe it is because I think that there are a few of you out there that can relate to how I am feeling and knowing that might just take the sting away in this moment... you know, not feeling so alone on some subjects in life... regardless I also think that sometimes it is just a way to get it all out, privately or not.
I have found that I don't grieve over anything right away. When one of my closest friends passed away it took me a month to really realize she was gone. When I have moved to another state, then almost a month and a half later wanted to go back because reality set in that I didn't have those I loved so much so close to me anymore... or like today... when I almost ran in to him at an intersection. It is surprisingly odd to me than in a town of 10,000 people this hasn't happened sooner but, outside of church I haven't seen him. Maybe this has been a blessing, but today I had one of those moments where I missed him more than anything. I missed the way he smelled, his smile, his laugh, his hair, and the sound of his voice. I couldn't help but want to know how he is. How is family was doing? What was the last great bike ride he had? I wanted to know everything and go back to how is was...In that moment, I think that my reality set in that it was really gone and over... nearly almost a month and a half after the fact. Funny how that is... I also find it odd that that is how I process sometimes. I wonder how it is that I can change that? I had somewhat of a similar experience last summer with all that had happened and have come to realize that time is different for me... in all different circumstances.
I also have realized that this euphoric time line of processing only happens when I truly was honest with how I felt in those situations. I now see that the major commonality in all of them was that I really loved or was deeply affected by those people in each circumstance. Discovering this fact, I learned a little bit more about myself. I learned that when I really love someone, despite shortcomings, I really do love them and in most happenings I will do anything I can to preserve that love. I also learned that seeing how I handle my time line in healing also has been able to help me build the type of close friendships I have today.
I had a great conversation with Brad-O last night. We reminisced about all of our crazy adventures and misguided trails among the length of our friendship. It was in that moment that I saw how grateful I am for the ability to heal and see someone and their quirkiness in the most perfect light. I am so grateful for the things that he and I have been through... I am also so grateful for the fulfilling friendship we now have.
I know that in some instances and with some people in my life I have yet to come to this place with each of them for different reasons. But maybe I just need more time. Maybe they do. Maybe it is something bigger than that.
As for today, I was grateful for him and the happiness he brought me in such a short period of time. I know that we had our pitfalls and not so great moments...but that is what makes us human. I am also grateful for the fact that I still have hope that time will heal and our paths will again be connected in a way that brings us both light and love. I miss him and hope he is wonderful and I am so thankful that today I can honestly say both of those things with a full heart and sincere prayer....
Maybe time does heal all wounds, and shines a little light on the person's greatness along the way.
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