Oh The Places You Will Go!

I think sometimes in life you can do one of two things in any given situation.

First. Take things as they are because you care so deeply you want to do everything in your power to make them perfect.

OR

Second. Change your situation when you know in your heart and gut that you are not really being of any help and only hurting yourself.


In the course of my new found love and admiration for Brandon... sadly I had to choose the second option. Now I know you all are like, "What the heck happened?" The truth is... I have the same question. I have no idea what happened and how things got to this. 4 Days ago we were talking about where we wanted to live and begin our family... and today... it is if I was never a part of his life. I have no clue on what happened but, this is what I do know.

• I wasn't feeling like I was doing anything right.
• I felt small.
• I was getting sworn at.
  
• I felt like anytime I asked a question to help or understand I was crucified and yelled at.
• I wasn't spoken to nicely.
• I was told on more than once ocassion that he was "blocking out my voice."
• I was told I was annoying.
• I was told I was like a reporter with my blogging.
• I was told being around me felt like sandpaper being rubbed on his face....
• And then after all of these things he said he loved me and that I was the closest person to him in the whole world.
  

Those are just a few things to name off the top of my mind.

The worst part about it all isn't the things he said or didn't do. To be the worst and most heartbreaking part is that I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I DID WRONG to be able to get treated in that way. I mean... to be honest... in the past I have been the queen of craziness and have had some exs that SHOULD of talked to me or been that way with me but this was not the case in this situation! Over the past few years I have had a ton of healing and have calmed down in so many ways... even looking over how I have handled this situation had made me that much more proud of how far I have come.

So here I am. Brokenhearted and clueless what I did to be treated like that. He had apologized and then almost immediately after called me annoying and asked to be my friend! I had no idea but to say "I don't want to be friends with someone who I annoy."

Regardless... I do love him. I see how amazing he is and the potential in his eyes! On my end I do see that we might of jumped the gun super quick on somethings... but I still wouldn't of changed that for anything in the world. I honestly in my heart felt like he was it. It think that place will always be there. I want the best for him and for him to see what I see in him not what his past sees in him. I want him to be happy and I want him to feel loved and free and I just don't think he was really ready for me or maybe me for him... I also think that if in a different place and in a different time it might of been just pure bliss...
I also see that sometimes no matter how good you are at communicating sometimes you just can't or in my case, I couldn't' be heard. We didn't get each other in a few big ways and in some really small ones too and yet the still hard part is I still have no clue how I could of changed my communication other than just by being quiet.

So friends there you are! Over the past 24 hours I have never had more phone calls, emails, texts, fb comments, and blog hits to check in on me and see if I was doing ok... I can't even begin to express how loved and completley cared about I feel.... the most amazing part of all of this is that I was going to make my blog private so that I could express to all you what had happened. He had made some comments about how I just put it all out there (which he didn't agree with, like, and problly will hate me for this)... and really for those of you who have known me for years (some of you since gradeschool) know that that is one of the greatest things about me. Is that no matter what I do.. how great I accomplish something, how bad I screw up, how happy or how hurt I am.... I have always been, and will always be open about it.

I love the lessons I learn in my life. They may be really really sucky and really hard to go through but I also know that I am a kick butt strong aaaa woman who is proud of the things she has done, overcame, gone through and survived.

I have always hated my name... until today. My name means "Strength" and my mom choose Bridget becasue she said at the time she wanted me to be something she wasn't. (Now I think she really didn't see what she was getting herself in to with that one! ;) But today I can say that what doesn't kill me only does make me stonger and I really have felt for the first time my inner strength and really living up to my name.

I am hurting yes... very deeply and miss him already... But.. I want him to be happy and healthy and I guess I am not in the cards to be there with him when he gets there. Please keep him and I in all your prayers...

I also want to make sure that you all know that I am really doing better than ok I know I made the right decidion... thank you for all of your love..... and I can't believe all of you who have just check in... I feel so lucky to have all of you as my friends!

How does a girl get so lucky? ;)




I thought I needed a silly picture to sign out on this post! Can't believe this was almost 9 years ago! Oh how far I have come and in the words of Dr. Suess... Oh The Places You Will Go!